Thursday, January 19, 2012, 05:54 PM
Please read slowly, with pauses for reflection.
“When we listen attentively there is neither agreement or disagreement; we are just in a state of attention”
J. Krishnamurti
Can you hear that sound?
There are sounds in your world right now. Notice the auditory vibrations around you without judgment, without choosing the bird and ignoring the car or any ‘this’ over any ‘that’.
In noticing these vibrations, can you sense, perhaps intuit, the silence from which they come and to which they return? (This takes a bit of time). When we become quiet enough, we begin to notice the space of silence, of stillness, out of which moments emerge and to which they return. This is relatively easy to learn, and extremely important. AND it is not enough! What happens in human interaction?
I want to learn to listen better. Even as I deepen my connection to the ground of silence, I notice how challenging it is to really listen to the people in my world, especially my most intimate relations. My opinions and needs seem to overwhelm my capacity to just take in the living experience of the other. The desire to be ‘right’ begins to dominate these and other conversations.
For example, when I hear people speaking aggressively from a different political persuasion it happens, my need to convince, to correct errors, to make it more like “I” see it. I tell myself that this reactivity is a commitment to truth yet deep down I sense the personal angst that arises when really setting aside my own views and just listening. At moments like these, remembering silence is critical.
Returning to this welcoming quality of stillness is always vivifying and restorative. In human interaction, this means giving listening a priority of place. It seems to me there are three directions to listening: 1) toward the other, 2) toward our pre-verbal, intuitive inner life and 3) toward a larger truth that is woven through the process of interacting. All three are always much more than the words that are being spoken.
True listening requires the courageous act of putting our point of view to the side, not too far away, more like next to ourselves. We don’t want to lose or undervalue our perspectives from the past yet we want to be free from them as new possibilities are forming.
There can be a conundrum here. Knowing the great value of silence, of “the place before opinions”, I sometimes undervalue the world of human interaction, which includes diverse opinions and points of view. Since all views are always only partial, I sense a temptation to linger in the more profound truth of silence. Not capable of saying “All”, a part of me says, “why say any”? As a very quiet friend of mine used to say, “if you can’t improve upon the silence don’t speak”!
Yet, I also sense that we grow each other through conversation. I am changed by your thoughtful, honest and heartfelt communications. Offering each other an expression of what is living in us can be a gift of great intimacy. We are constantly re-forming our “self” through interacting. Questioning ourselves and each other in the earnest seeking of truth has value for our individual and collective learning.
Growing the capacity to disagree, to hone our truth against a contrary view in supportive and creative ways is important. The old style of fighting for our views, of being clever to ‘win’ is not helpful. The newer strategy of seeing equal truth in all views does not evoke the highest clarity in human beings. Even as we grow our connection to silence, to that space before ideas/beliefs/desires, we can also develop our capacity for “listening-speaking”.
Listening-speaking places a high value on pausing, taking a breath, dropping down into our embodied sensations. We step out of our reactivity, out of our certainty. We allow the silence that sustains each moment to permeate the interaction, saturating it with fresh air and new possibilities. This is truly a creative act. Truth, beauty and goodness become more important than being right!
What kind of speaking arises from this deep listening? Often, the expression that comes from this inner place is something new, something that surprises the speaker. It is a fresh understanding that is born from that moment of interacting. Often these are moments of insight and new direction for both the speaker and companions.
Cultivating this kind of “listening-speaking” is both challenging and essential. The good news is that the space of silence, of stillness is never far away. It is an expression of our Being. It is closer than our skin. It always invites a sense of being at home in the Universe. From this ground, we can feel safe enough to put aside our opinions, our need to be right and really listen. Then we can also seek and often find a way to speak a newly forming truth.
This is my goal for the New Year. I will fall down many times, then I will stand up, return to silence, apologize, listen-speak and continue learning…………
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Tuesday, November 22, 2011, 02:40 PM
When life touches me, I feel so grateful
When feeling grateful, life touches me
Being Touched/Feeling Grateful
Feeling Grateful/Being Touched
Receiving giving, giving receiving Interpenetrating
From all alone to all one…Implicit Gratitude
“She smiled. So much lives in a simple facial expression:
‘Nothing we can do about it’.
‘Strange to be in these little metal boxes’. ‘Wonder how long it will last?’.
‘No big deal really, we are safe, fed and whole’.
There we were, commuters stuck in a big, unmoving traffic jam. In the moment of receiving that smile something settled in my body, in my shoulders where some tension was building, in my belly where some ‘wishing to be some place else’ was growing. For the rest of that day and even now as I write this, that smile brings great gratitude into my heart and a smile to my face”.
Please try the following experiment.
Reflect on a recent moment in which you felt touched by life.
It need not be an extraordinary moment just a simple experience in which you felt something like, “Yes, this is good”.
Examples include seeing a beautiful flower, tasting something delicious, hot water in the shower, a smile from a stranger or finding an unexpected seat while waiting. Really anything will do in which there is a moment of being touched.
Take a moment, close your eyes for ten seconds and recall in sensory rich detail this moment. Where are you? What can you see? Are there sounds? Any smells? Let the moment live in your memory, let it flood through you.
Continue reading after this process (note-I strongly encourage you to pause and take 30 seconds for this process, it really works!).
Now, I wonder, is a sense of gratitude implicit in being touched by life? Does a quiet voice inside echo with something like “thank you”?
My experience is that every moment of being touched by life includes the scent of thankfulness. Importantly, this thanks is not added to the moment later. It is not like a child being taught to say “thank you”. Actually, the gratitude is living within and inside the moment of feeling touched. It is implicit.
Why is this so important? A remarkable reversability arises from this observation- gratitude can evoke touching moments. Gifts will come to you through the back door of gratitude. Back door? By this I mean that through consciously cultivating gratitude-actually looking for moments of thankfulness- you will be gifted with many more moments of deep connectedness. Reviewing ANY hour of my life, even painful ones, there are many, many simple gifts for which I can experience gratitude, when I give my attention to them.
In this season of Thanksgiving, harvest and gratitude for the great gifts we are given, may we allow our inner life to be flooded with the sweetness of feeling touched. Amidst our sorrows and struggles, we can take brief moments to offer our gratitude for the simple blessings that allow our life to unfold.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011, 01:35 PM
Zazen- sitting meditation- is my home.
Though variously peaceful, uncomfortable, quiet, chatter-filled and delightful, it is always just what it is. Of course my whole life is always just what it is, yet in all other situations I can have the illusion of accomplishing something.
Every morning I come to my cushion, reminding myself in an embodied way that “just this” is enough. “Just this” means just being, just breathing, just sitting here, just living.
Without this ground, I am forever on a treadmill of accomplishment. My self-worth becomes intertwined with my ‘to do’ list. The day’s completions translate as “good” days or “bad” days. Meaningfulness becomes equated with doing.
My practice is called Shikantaza or ‘just sitting’. It is crucial that this is not practiced for something: not for enlightenment, not for mindfulness, clarity, stress reduction, health, or spiritual growth. There needs to be one place in our lives that is not about anything else. Just Being (and not even accomplishing ‘being’).
I also have the strong voice of the doer, the one who gets great satisfaction from work. I deeply value this part of me. Work includes all our deeds in the world, everything from our job to doing the dishes. The feeling of fulfillment from these deeds is essential to our lives.
Often when I suggest a sitting practice, people complain that they do not have enough time. They need to make every moment count. I say the busier you are, the more helpful it is to just sit. Other ways of ‘wasting time’: traversing the internet, watching TV, idle chatter, etc. while sometimes restorative are not the same as ‘just sitting’. The value of not doing anything can never be overstated or understated. It actually exists in its own timeless universe.
Let’s not fall into the dualistic trap of choosing between doing and being. Know that it is impossible to realize the naturalness of Being through doing. You can’t turn “Being” into an accomplishment. Everyday I have my goals, my ‘to do’ list, my accomplishments. And everyday I bathe in the fresh water of not-doing. I encourage you to join me in spending some of your day just sitting and accomplishing nothing.
Friday, June 10, 2011, 04:26 PM
“You never listen to me”, she said.
“Your not the only one with feelings”, he said.
“I can’t take it any more”, she said.
“Your never satisfied”, he said.
On and on they went:
Like two televisions on different channels.
Is anybody listening?
Learning to LISTEN wholeheartedly is central to a blossoming life. By listening I am referring to: listening to others, to our own feelings, to our inner voices, to our bodily process and to the whole situation in which we are living at a given moment. There are many reasons why this can be challenging. Though the following ideas are relevant to all situations, in this article, I will explore the instance of listening to other people in moments of disagreement. I will also suggest a path of resolution.
Why is listening to another so challenging?
To truly listen is to step beyond oneself. As Zen master Dogen reminds us: “To Study the Self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things.”
“Self” in the sense means more than the individual, conditioned ‘self’; it points us toward the “I” that emerges in relationship. Rather than viewing the “I” as a solid entity that moves from relationship to relationship, it is helpful to picture a “Self” or even better a “Self-ing” that reforms from situation to situation. This “self-ing” includes the “historical self” and everything connected to the particular living situation. When we are dedicated to deep listening, our dominant intention is to place our self in the background and deeply receive the other, to feel how the world is from where they are living. This dedication requires a kind of surrender.
This means that our usual obsession with our own ideas and with maintaining our position is placed to the side. To TRULY listen means that we quiet our point of view and we place the other "above" ourselves. "Above" in this sense means that we want to really take in the reality of the other without adding our opinions. This is a profoundly generous act.
I am not implying that our own wanting is irrelevant, rather that we are cultivating the maturity to postpone our own needs and longings. This postponing can feel both daunting and terrifying. Something in us can feel like we will die if we don't respond immediately or even beat the other to the punch! We must make our point How can we bear this intense inner pressure?
Here our embodiment can really help (for where else do we feel the pressure and the sense of danger but in our bodily experience)? Pressure always implies not enough space. When pressure builds in a balloon, the air is consuming all of the space. When it bursts, the spatial limits are exceeded. We can feel like this in challenging moments. IF the balloon could suddenly double in size, it would not feel so pressurized and would not burst. How can we “double our size” in moments like this?
Three keys to inner space: grounding, breathing and spatial awareness.
First, grounding: directly sensing our contact with the surface under us has the effect of: 1) helping us to sense the support of a ‘larger body’ and 2) offering an escape valve for the pressure that is building in our body. To change analogies, if an electrical system does not have a ground wire it will burn out when the charge is too much. When intensity rises, we create a counter-force by bringing attention down into the ground. Sensing the earth allows us to directly experience the literal support that is always present in every moment.
Second, breathing: in moments of intensity, most of us have a habit of either holding the breath or hyperventilating. Both of these reactions create inner pressure. Holding the breath and over-breathing are unconscious attempts to have more oxygen. Ironically, the best way to insure harmonious oxygen flow is through encouraging a full exhale. Letting go of the breath is the key to recovering a natural breathing rhythm. PAUSING and sensing the breath is very helpful. This pause is fundamental to the shift we are seeking. Stepping back for a moment and sensing THIS breath will change your world. Awareness of breath will allow this shift to occur and inner space will naturally grow. Ideally, I recommend following three breaths from beginning to end, counting each exhale. Stay present to the end of each exhale.
Third, spatial awareness: The physical body is too small to contain all that we feel. How can we expand our boundaries beyond the skin? Again the key is awareness. Bringing conscious attention to the external world: hearing sounds, seeing colors and shapes, immediately grows the living space. For many, attending to sound for a few moments, with the eyes closed is particularly helpful. You might feel strange, in the middle of a very demanding moment, to intentionally see a color or listen to the background sounds, yet I suggest if you try it, the results might amaze you.
Attending to the ground, the breath and the outer world require a shift of consciousness. I encourage you to experiment. More than simply reducing pressure, these shifts allow you to listen deeply and to enjoy the present moment more fully. This listening, this stepping beyond the habitual, reactive self is the key to our fulfillment and deep connectedness to life. Simply remember: Ground, Sound and Breath.
Be gentle with yourself. These shifts of attention are quite challenging in the heat of the moment. Practice in ordinary, non-demanding moments to build a reservoir of capacity. After many years of growing my capacity, there are still moments that can overtake me. In these situations I know that something inside feels very threatened and needs my care, my good listening. If I can’t listen wholeheartedly to another, I know that I need to listen well to the place in me that is feeling pressured. This kind of “self-empathy” will pave the way for a more global caring.
It is important to let go of rules and idealism when in a challenging moment. Sometimes, when feeling overwhelmed, separating from the situation for a short period can break the magnetism. In moments like this, we can offer a truly magical communication: “I really want to hear you AND I am starting to feel overwhelmed. I am about to respond in a way that I don’t want to. Let me take 15 minutes to reconnect with myself so that I can really listen to you”. Alternatively, when a particular feeling has carried you away, it can be very healing simply to say: “I am sorry I could not listen better.”
A note: for people who do not allow themselves strong feelings and habitually defer others, it can be a positive, temporary step to allow your emotion to come forward powerfully. Allowing this can sometimes bring movement to a stuck situation. We want to be mindful of creating more suffering through our words and actions. The overall direction is to be able to be wholeheartedly listening to self and other as often as possible.
As I said at the beginning, the same quality of listening to others can be applied to our own inner voices and to the entire situation in which we are living. When there is a feeling or thought that is challenging, we usually get pulled into it. When pulled into, there is no space, no possibility for awareness. We are like the balloon bursting with overwhelming, sensations. The antidotes discussed in this article for working with other people are completely applicable to listening to your self.
“I am in a lot of pain”, she said.
“Tell me about it” he
Wednesday, March 9, 2011, 02:54 PM
It is Friday night in Graz, Austria, resting from a day of scenic train travel through the Austrian countryside. With the potent Mür River roaring loudly outside our hotel, my wife Linda and I begin watching a show on the English language television station. In a serendipitous moment, a program on the life of capitalist, celebrity,TV star and dealmaker Donald Trump aka “The Donald” is just starting.
“Donald Trump is a money worshipping, egomaniac”, my friend William snorted, “what can you learn from him?”
Teachings are everywhere, always. Dharma, sometimes translated as “the Law” or “Buddha’s teaching” or simply “the way things are” is always functioning. Kind of like gravity, we are never separate from its invisible influence and we can always receive a teaching simply by opening our eyes and ears.
It seems Trump was an ardent student of “the deal” from a very young age. He learned the real estate industry from the ground up by toiling at all the jobs required in constructing a building. He developed a passion for excellence, for doing things right. Learning from his father, other business people and from his singularly intense dedication, he grew a vast empire that literally changed the landscape of New York City. In addition, he transformed real estate practices, business dealings, television “reality” shows and even the political world.
Putting aside any discussion of the virtues of capitalism or his positive or negative influence on the world, I want to dwell on one particular mental quality exemplified by this man. Here is a person who repeatedly and profoundly demonstrates the power of devotion to one’s vision.
Listening to Trump’s son describe how his father would arrive home from the office at 3:00 AM only to return to work at 6:00 AM, or to his business partners express amazement at his unequaled preparation, I was struck by his intense commitment to his mission. In many ways, small and large, this man reveals the power of intentionality and dedication.
A deep question began to arise for me: am I as devoted to my path in this life as “The Donald”? My inner image includes a sense of deep and wholehearted dedication to my path and yet……….
Often with my students I quote Suzuki Roshi’s emphatic statement that “the most important thing is to find the most important thing”. Said other ways, “are you living your True life”, “are you in alignment with your path”? Many of us are constantly putting out the fires of everyday life, at work and at home, so much so that the “urgent” can overwhelm the truly important. How vital it is that we regularly step back and freshly orient on the map of our life.
In stepping back and rededicating ourselves to our path, it is essential to ask what is the difference between obsession and devotion? This is terribly important to those of us on a spiritual path. To be oriented toward the “highest and deepest” requires more than one-pointedness. While we do need a strong focus, we also need an openness of attention, a widening of our boundaries, an all-inclusive caring. There is a difference between depth and width. One can dig a deep well by narrowing the breadth of concern. This often results in a hardening of the heart. Yet to dig many shallow wells rarely results in fresh water. We need depth to truly transform. For modern people, to focus exclusively in one direction often creates an imbalance, either an obsessiveness that closes the heart or a shallowness that restricts new levels of unfolding. To include both of these requires BALANCE, it is balancing the depth of the vertical axis with the width of the horizontal.
Unlike the seekers of the past, many modern spiritual warriors are attempting a unique integration: to grow our individual, autonomous, authentic selves while also cultivating a deep realization of the transcendent. We are learning to be both a unique self and beyond self at the same time. This includes how to be parents, lovers, caregivers, meditators, workers, friends etc., while also being completely free from these roles and identities. It includes being connected to our everyday experiences as feeling beings, full of preferences and opinions, while also recognizing transparency and impermanence. To become both wider and deeper seems to be an expression of our growing capacity for LOVE.
An athlete can be absolutely obsessed with winning and being the best at their sport while acting like a jerk in the rest of life. The same is true of artists, musicians, and business people, indeed all of us, when lost in our obsessions! Becoming a “True” human being requires more. Deepening without widening leaves us narrow, widening without deepening leaves us shallow.
There is much here for me to ponder:
- How is the balance of my various commitments in this life?
- Are my obsessions narrowing my sphere of caring?
- Am I so wide that my deepening is compromised?
- Am I devoting enough time to the truly important?
And returning to the original question, “am I as dedicated to my path as Donald Trump”? All I can say is “thank you for inspiring the questioning”.
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